8 qualities of a well-mannered person

Anton Chekhov, A Life in Letters

“Civilized, well-mannered people must, I believe, satisfy the following criteria:

1) They respect human beings as individuals and are therefore always

tolerant, gentle, courteous and amenable ... They do not create scenes

over a hammer or a mislaid eraser; they do not make you feel they are conferring

a great benefit on you when they live with you, and they don't make a scandal

when they leave, saying: “It is impossible to live with you!” They forgive noise,

and cold, and overcooked meat (...)

2) They have compassion for other people besides beggars and cats. Their

hearts suffer the pain of what is hidden to the naked eye. (...)

3) They respectother people's property, and therefore pay their debts.

4) They are not devious, and they fear lies as they fear fire. They don't tell lies even in the most trivial matters. To lie to someone is to insult them, and the liar is diminished in the eyes of the person he lies to. Civilized people don't put on airs; they behave in the street as they would at home, they don't show off to impress their juniors. They are not talkative and do not interfere with frankness when they are not asked ... Out of respect for the ears of others, they are more often silent. (...)

5) They don't run themselves down in order to provoke the sympathy of others. They don't play on other people's heartstrings to be sighed over and cosseted ... that sort of thing is just cheap striving for effects, it's vulgar, old hat and false. They don’t say: “People don’t understand me!” (...)

6) They are not vain. They don't waste time with the fake jewellery of hobnobbing with celebrities, being permitted to shake the hand of a drunken [judicial orator], the exaggerated bonhomie of the first person they meet at the Salon, being the life and soul of the bar ... They regard phrases like 'I am a representative of the Press!!' -- the sort of thing one only hears from [very minor journalists] -- as absurd. If they have done a brass farthing's work they don't pass it off as if it were 100 roubles' by swanking about with their portfolios, and they don't boast of being able to gain admission to places other people aren't allowed in. As Krylov said, the empty barrel makes more noise than the full one. (...)

7) If they do possess talent, they value it ... They take pride in it ... they

know they have a responsibility to exert a civilizing influence on [others]

rather than aimlessly hanging out with them. And they are fastidious in

their habits. (...)

8) They work at developing their aesthetic sensibility ... Civilized people

don't simply obey their baser instincts ...

They require mens sana in corpore sano.

And so on. That's what civilized people are like ... Reading Pickwick and learning a speech from Faust by heart is not enough if your aim is to become a truly civilized person and not to sink below the level of your surroundings.

 

[From a letter to Nikolay Chekhov, March 1886]”